Why I Hate Psychologist!
My wife nagged me about the way I walk about the mansion most of the night, “Go to see a psychologist, you are just too worried about all this Mac and Linux stuff”. My wife is the only person on earth that could get me to see a headshrinker! (She was driving me crazy anyway). I agreed, she set up an appointment for the next morning (she knew I wouldn’t).
That morning I found myself in the office of Dr. Eric Huntin, he was a 60 something tall gauntly guy with a scruffy beard and a pony-tail. I stepped in, shook his clammy hand, looked him in the eye and sternly said, “I don’t want to be here, you have my dossier, I think all of this crap is a bunch of mumbo jumbo! I’m a busy man, you have exactly 15 minutes”.
HUNTIN: “I appreciate your candor sir, I will get right to it! ” he gestured towards some funny looking couch, “Please lie down sir, Mr. Ballmer sir”.
BALLMER: “I’ll just stand right here near the door, it’s more efficient that way”, he went to his desk and opened my dossier, “14 minutes!”
HUNTIN: “I spoke with your wife at length this morning before you got here, according to her you are obsessed with destroying Apple, Google and something called Linux. Your incessant scheming against them keeps you up most of the night; as a result your love life is nonexistent, your relationships are strained, your employees are in a perpetual state of fear of you, your personal grooming is lacking and you have alienated all but Mr. Gates.”
BALLMER: “So I’m an executive! What’s the problem doc? Give it to me straight! – You have 10 minutes”
HUNTIN: “Sir, you really are a Mac lover escapading as a PC lover/Mac hater/head of the evil empire. You thrive on iTards replies as a way of validating your love of all things Macintosh. But it’s going to take further examination to determine why you are a closet Mac lover. Did you have a crush on Steve Jobs at one point in time? A crush that ended with a restraining order?? Hmm. Your hatred is known as “projection”…it’s really yourself that you don’t like. So now we need to examine this. Why don’t you like yourself? Looking at your actions, we can conclude that it’s because of the guilt generated by producing Windows. You know it’s wrong, so you lash out at those attempting to help you. Just give it up, use your ill-gotten gains to buy lots of Apple stock, and you will feel much better!”
I did not react at all, I just stood there and stared at him for the next 9 minutes as he went on and on.
HUNTIN: ………. and in conclusion sir you suffer from delusional seizures and dream deprivation brought about by psychotic insomnia fueled by several acute neurisises in conjunction with the most severe case of targeted bi-lateral paranoia I have ever seen!
The guy was exhausted! I took one step towards his desk, he leaned forward in anticipation of my reply, I said, “One minute!”
He slumped in his chair.
BALLMER: “What kind of computer do you have at home?”
HUNTIN: “Well, errr, it’s a mac, but, but, but that does not matter, …. I uh, you uh, ….”
BALLMER: “I thought so! You people are all against me! … Time up!”
He was right about one thing, I need to get a few hours sleep every now and then.
I then walked straight out, when I looked back I think he was crying? I think that guy needs some help, not me!