What do you do when the guy who is supposed to be writing your autobiography turns into a literary pariah?
Dang! I did not include an ethics-non-perversion sexual degenerate clause in the contract to write this thing for me. That clause is standard in all other contracts I have ever signed, but it somehow got left out of this one. I called up Billy and asked for my money back, he said it was already spent on operating expenses, all $32,000,000 to the penny.
Who the heck is going to buy this book from O’Reilly now?
When they told me Pretty Johnny was in my lobby I canceled a previous appointment so I could talk to him.
When he came in he was all smiles, I just sat and emotionlessly stared at him. When he extended his hand to shake mine, I left him hang’n. He dropped his head in shame and said,
I leaned back in my chair and took a sip of my honey-water, Pretty Johnny started begging:
“Mr. Ballmer, I thought that maybe you would give me a job sir! I know that right now I am like the plague! I’m the guy who was cheating on his terminally ill wife and denying his own love-child! I made fools out of millions of people who believed in me and I am now universally reviled as a low-life scum-sucking maggot with no morals, a loathsome hypocrite with no redeeming virtues, a doublecrossing shallow husk of a man not fit to share the air with regular people!”
I raised an eyebrow and sucked my teeth, he was shaken. he dropped to his knees and continued to beg:
“Sir, I’m at the end of my rope! People won’t vote for me as a politician or hire me as a lawyer! They see me coming and cross the road or cover their children’s eyes! Have mercy sir! I’ll do anything!
I’ll work for less than $250 an hour! Have mercy sir!”
I was softening, I asked, “Who sent you to me?”
He said, “Hillary, sir!”
I screamed, “GUARDS!”
They responded in 1.5 seconds (a little slow)
I commanded, “get this person off of our property! ..and don’t be gentle about it!”
I could hear his screams, crying and begging through my plate glass wall all the way from the parking lot!
To think! He almost had me for a minute there!
Let’s just get that straight from the very beginning here!
I have decided to get into this blogging thing with the rest of you people so I can straighten out some of the FUD out there about me. My image has been tarnished as of late by certain ner-do-wells an haters.
In the next few months I will set all of this crap straight, especially the Google and Apple crap!
You people should check in with me every few days to see what my thoughts are, you will learn a few things.
Trying to get those snotty Canadians more into basketball. Not easy!
Half the way through a live presentation at Ignite by Michael Ebababarley, Microsoft’s Edge browser kept crashing, so Ebababarley had to install Google Chrome.
Needless to say, installing Chrome is always embarrassing, this one in particular.