Took a quick jump in Percy to the Holyland (Israel not Orlando) at the behest of Bishop Smirnoff Prelate of the Eastern Orthodox Church of Windows. We gave each other Zune blessings and he immediately took me over to an acre of property that the Bishop wants to build our new Zune Tabernacle on. Its a mile and a half outside of the Western wall near the Makassed Hospital (a perfect location). The only problem? The property is controlled by the Palestinian Authority and they refuse to sell it at any price whatsoever. They would not respond to any inquiry without calling us infidels, heathens, dogs and swine-eating degenerates!
I was encouraged!
Bishop Smirnoff was confused when he saw my attitude, he asked,
“Brother Ballmer, how can you have such a pleasant attitude when they have such a staunch position against us?” I responded,
“My dear Bishop, you have never had to negotiate with FEMA, the IRS and the Senate Technology Monopoly Sub-Committee. These are just pesky Palestinians!”
Remember when, I decided to accept a speaking engagement at the Corvinus University of Hungary (yes they have one, one!)
I figured, “how hard could this be, they’re Hungarians!. I should be greeted as a god by Hungarians, right? Who the heck goes to Hungary?”
Well, I found that I walked into an Hungarian ambush!
Before I could even get warmed up good, some Hungarian moron got up and started yelling some kinda’ goulash at me, he threw three eggs, I took cover. The guy was escorted out and I regained my classic composure, the goat smelling Hungarians laughed:
WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS:
The kid was taken to a back room where he was being held by a campus security guy and my Blackwater Bodyguard #6.
I told the university staff that I was concerned about him and wanted to speak to him personally. He was handcuffed and tied down to a chair. As everyone left so I could have my little “talk” with this poor troubled soul, I instructed BWBG#6, “Nobody gets in here for the next 45 seconds!”, he said, “I understand sir.”
The rest of my story goes like this:
“I approached the kid and he became irrational! He screamed, tipped his chair over backwards, slammed his head into the wall several times! I tried helping him up by the neck, but he tried to bite me! I released him and he fell to the floor hitting his head on my shoe (several times)! Boy was I glad to get out of there! That guy was crazy.”
The Hungarian authorities have assured me that he will never do anything like this again.
I am not evil
UPDATE: My staff PI, Jack Stone, has given me an initial report on the Hungarian egging incident. He believes there is more here than meets the eye! Reasons:
1. The two men sitting beside the egger’s composure throughout the incident leads one to conclude that they knew what was going to happen. The smirk and smile just prior to the egger standing to interrupt. One of them has a Macbook, this is the most suspicious activity of all, a dead give-away of malevolence!
2. The egger did not throw a third egg, he simply waved his “chicken wing” arm, yet another egg hit the wall directly above me. There was a 2nd egger at the back of the lecture hall!
The egger is in the “custody” of the Hungarian Security Ministry, they say, “he won’t talk! He’s like a zombie or something!”
Conclusion: he is an Apple Cultist!
The other conspirators are as yet unidentified, although we suspect the suspect 2 is an Apple Store Genius.
Jack is on the job! He always gets his nerd!
You boys may as well turn yourselves in right now.
Well I was King once, now I’m just your typical billionaire NBA team owner plotting a coup at Microsoft. By the time my plotting is done, they will be begging me to return as CEO.
Help me, sign the petition here.
Together we can Make Microsoft Great Again!
“You may have heard about all of the commotion on the Fake News stations about me being my own fake blogger, which I am not! The ‘leaked – anonymous sourced documents’ showing collusion between me and this blog are untrue and spread by the continuing RUSSIAN Disinformation cabal.”
When I said Russians, all of the reporters got out of their seats and rushed me to get their microphones as close as possible. I went on;
“The Steve Fake Ballmer website has nothing to do with who I am not pretending not to be or who I am really not. I blame the RUSSIANS! They are the ones behind the fake fake blogger epidemic and oppression of fake journalism according to my sources. The RUSSIANS are colluding with colluders doing this to upset our fake democratic values which I know and have never known about. Let me make this clear, I am not fake Steve Ballmer pretending not to be me! – The RUSSIANS are not who I am!”
I wanted to get on CNN and indeed I did, all you have to do is say RUSSIANS and speak their jargon.
Пусть сила Зуне будет с тобой сейчас и всегда.
Jr. has taken over the family business of Running North Korea and he is doing a horrible job! I remember back when Kim Jong Ill ran the place I even went there regularly for conferences and vacation. Yes, vacation in North Korea, think about it:
No congested roadways.
Friendly people who are afraid to death of you.
Security detail following you 24/7 absolutely free.
No pesky internet.
Full nights sleep, the whole country powers down at 7:30 pm.
None of that “deciding things” stress here, they decide everything for you. What a relief.
Brisk, refreshing, exhilarating cold showers (from 6-10 am).
The entire country is on a strict weight watchers plan, not chubbies here.
No messing around trying to figure out the darn tv remote, there is only one channel.
Gilligan’s island reruns from 3-6 everyday.
Elvis impersonators are everywhere. The entire country is dedicated to Elvis.
Back to the good old days of Windows 3.1.
Yes North Korea is a CEO’s dream come true, no complaining workers or whistle-blowers, just contentment and conformity everywhere. “Imagine all the people living for today….”
Usually I don’t turn down party invitations from A-listers so easily and quickly, but this bunch I will make an exception for.
Sorry, I intended to make this a much longer post, but I all of a sudden feel the need for a nice long hot shower with a brillo-pad scrub down.
It’s an old debate which has once again bubbled to the surface of our culture:
“IS AL FRANKEN EVEN HUMAN?”
In our quest to be generous, inclusive and understanding of the diversities of sentient beings, maybe we have gone too far? Maybe in our zeal to not make others not feel bad, we have allowed ourselves to be duped into accepting things which are counter to our own best interest. I propose ladies and gentlemen that we have made a grave mistake when we have chosen to look away and not seriously look into the question of:
“IS AL FRANKEN EVEN HUMAN?”
Have we devolved so far culturally and intellectually that we cannot recognize what is standing directly before us? Why do we refuse to accept the fact that there is a such thing as monsters? We even elect them to Congress? Are we insane? The first step is to gather our courage and confront the issue head-on by answering the question:
“IS AL FRANKEN EVEN HUMAN?”
I think most of you can easily ascertain where I stand on the issue.
What do you do when the guy who is supposed to be writing your autobiography turns into a literary pariah?
Dang! I did not include an ethics-non-perversion sexual degenerate clause in the contract to write this thing for me. That clause is standard in all other contracts I have ever signed, but it somehow got left out of this one. I called up Billy and asked for my money back, he said it was already spent on operating expenses, all $32,000,000 to the penny.
Who the heck is going to buy this book from O’Reilly now?