BORED! Basketball is Not Enough!
After seeing this photo of me and my receptionist (Helga the Zunite) in my office at the Clippers Stadium, I realized that I need to get out more. I actually played carpet-golf for 6 hours that day. I got no emergency calls, no bribe attempts, no kiss-uppers, no begging yes men, no worshippers prostrating themselves before me, no paparazzi outside the window …. even CNN has not told any lies about me this month! In other words, “I am becoming your run-of-the-mill ball-team owning billionaire,” and I HATE IT!
I am in a funk, I’m changing that today!
Missing Harold Herrin – RIP My Friend
My friend Harold was one of a kind.
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/savannah/obituary.aspx?n=harold-ellis-herrin-jr&pid=186862603
I hope Bird found a good home.
I’ll be crying for a while ….
The Party Invitation – Freeaaaky! … No Thanks
Usually I don’t turn down party invitations from A-listers so easily and quickly, but this bunch I will make an exception for.
Sorry, I intended to make this a much longer post, but I all of a sudden feel the need for a nice long hot shower with a brillo-pad scrub down.
The Nature of North Korea
What the state department, congress and public does not seem to understand about North Korea is what they really are. What we fail to comprehend is that North Korea is a nation of MEI’s that is Militant Elvis Impersonators! They cannot be negotiated with unless you speak their jargon. Way back when I went there to rescue Bill-girl I knew this. My greeting to Kim Jong Ill, “You ain’t nun’tin but a hound-dog, cry’n all the time”, he smiled and said, “thank you vury mooch”. I gave him a pair of my blue suede shoes, apologized and he returned Bill-girl (soiled but alive). We went on to become good friends.
You don’t Know Who ya Mess’n Wit!
I tried to get back into my old office at Microsoft, but was stopped …. the very nerve!
“You are no longer welcome here …. we have moved on …. don’t come back, stop calling, don’t make us taze you again ….” they said.
Then I replied:
Waiting For the Pop-up!
My father always told me that, “When things look bleakest, wait for your pop-up fly ball!”
What did that mean? I still don’t know.
Is there anyone out there who can explain it to me?
Molding Youth in MY Image!
They are called Basket-Ballmer players! I am highly invested in the youth of today, they are the CEO’s of tomorrow. I don’t tolerate weakness at my camp, we are all about winning and nothing but winning and only winning. Kids who cry, whine, complain, want water, call their parents, look at me funny, talk back, sit down, fall or show any degree of disrespect are booted! I don’t worry when their “daddy” threatens or yells at me, I have connections and ex-seal bodyguards!
Criticize if you like, I am doing something for our youth, what about you?
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Off to the Races!
I’ll beat that most of you did not know that there are still or ever were Kangaroo races! Well, there are! My twin brother Phillanos is the Australian Invitational Roo Champ, has been for the last 11 years. He rides Velacor-hop and is undefeated.
….. what’s that?
So you are thinking, “fake Steve is getting kind’a corny and wacko, he’s losing it, this crap isn’t even funny anymore?” **
Who said I was trying to be funny? I was just telling you poor people about the Roo-races and my cousin, it isn’t my fault if you are ignorant!
** btw: Yes I can read your minds ….. not much content there.
OPERATION MONKEY-BOY EXPOSED!
I received this photograph along with a dossier from deep within the heaving bowels of Flickr. My source whom we shall call “Deep-Click” is an inside operative there, who says that they are sickened by the corruption they have uncovered. They actually have an employee who’s job has been to track and persecute me and anyone who friends or me in clear violation of their very own policies!
The investigation continues!
Tracking Down Pauly and Bill-Girl
Pauly Shore has been galavanting around the globe with my God-daughter for weeks and her daddy Bill wants her back. My mission: retrieve Bill-Girl, dispose of Pauly (any means necessary) and present her back to her papa all innocent looking and stuff. Not an easy task by any measure of the word. But if it’s possible, my personal Private detective, Jack Stone can do it. He’s been two days behind them in Paris, one day behind in Tokyo, 3 hours behind in São Paulo, where Pauly even left this picture on the bar for him to find. He has some nerve!
Jack emailed me, “I’m in the air now on the way to Auckland, they will be cornered. Any instructions sir?”
I replied; “I’m not there, I trust your discretion and imagination Mr. Stone. Big Bill wants his little girl back, I have no opinion on Pauly other than that he should be throughly convinced to never repeat his actions in this sorted matter.”
Jack Stone: “Understood sir.”
It’s good to be rich and powerful.
Me and MeadowLark
HATE SNOW!
That’s why I’m in Miami for the next few weeks and I encourage you all to do the same!
Anyways, I was on the patio when I got a visitor. None other than the great Meadowlark Lemon (one of my childhood heros) came rolling by in his golf cart. He yelled “You look a lot like that Microsoft guy!” I said “I am that guy! But I don’t have to guess who you are Meadowlark, I am a big fan muh man!”
He got out of the cart and we talked most of that afternoon. We had one goooood southern time!
We ate cornbread smothered in Aunt Jamima syrp, Churches Chicken, sweet tea and yams.
After that we played a few holes.
He is a real class act, he never once mentioned the Clippers.
I was impressed, so I asked him if he would be interested in doing a few Microsoft commercials for me. He said “I have to talk to my agent about that first, you see Seinfeld is a friend of mine and he swears that working for you guys is a real …. well he hates you!”
I looked at him and said “That’s one man’s opinion!”
Nonetheless we had a great time down here on this partly cloudy 77 degree day.
One More for the Ladies! (San Franciscans too)
I took a few pictures on Bill’s desk too, this is the first time they have been seen in public.
Drool away ladies, just remember I’m spoken for. Sorry Toki.
La Multitud de Rallyes Colombianos!
¡Vine a Colombia para ver por mí mismo el celo y la emoción de la gente en los mítines gratuitos del FSB! Creo que esta imagen lo dice todo.
The Monkey-Boy Conspiracy
Soon to be on the New York Times Best Sellers List, “The Monkey-Boy Conspiracy” will hit the shelves in your local Microsoft store. Most of you probably will not believe that this is actually real, but just wait. When you are holding it in your hands, snorting the four scratch and sniff strips, sleeping with it under your pillow; then you will believe!
Bill-Girl and Pauly Shore
Bill came by the stadium office the other day and asked if I had seen his illegitimate daughter Bill-Girl as of late. I spilled the beans, (I could never lie to Bill)
“She came here about two weeks ago and asked for some pocket money, so I gave her about $50,000 or so. She was with that actor friend of hers, Pauly Shore. I’ve never trusted that guy, something about his eyes, you can tell that what he’s saying isn’t what he’s thinking. Why do you ask?”
He started to cry (I can’t stand the way he whimpers) and said, “She usually checks in with me every few days, but I haven’t heard from her in weeks! I know she’s a beautiful, intelligent young lady, but she is so dang impressionable, I worry about her, I think this Pauly guy may be taking advantage of my baby! Dad-Gummit!”
I was shocked! “Bill, you cursed! You are really upset.”
I walked over and pat him on the head, (He likes that) and said,
“Don’t worry about it, I’ll put my personal private detective Jack Stone on it. He can find anybody!”
Bill was reassured and went back to the helipad to go home. When I was sure he was gone I turned the photo Pauly sent me this morning back over and said to myself;
“Billidrea Zunetta Seisfeld, what have you gotten yourself into now?
Kriloids?
Kriloids
The Kriloids had nothing to do with most of the more sinister conspiracies which so many people believe in, but they did contribute substantially to the evolution of human technology and medicine.
What killed them off you ask? Well most of us believe it was that large shipment of chocolates they sent back to their homeworld. They loved chocolate, but apparently it did not love them.
Hey! We learned a big lesson, watch what you let the aliens eat and ship back home in bulk!
-DC
Second Thoughts
It seems that my old buddy Paul Rubens (Peewee Herman) can talk me into anything!
“Let’s wrestle a summo, it’ll be fun!” He said. “Together nobody can beat us, are you chicken?”
I hate being called chicken.
But right now I’m having ……
Hiring Omarosa!
Everybody told me, “Don’t do it Mr. Ballmer!” But I think that everybody deserves a fourth chance, so I have hired Omarosa as my new image consultant. I started out by telling her my problem:
“Omarosa, deep down I feel that people don’t really respect me as they should. I believe that it’s because of all that screaming, tongue wagging, flailing, gibberish talking and dancing like a gorilla on crack that I used to do when I was CEO of Microsoft. Some of those videos are still top virals on youtube! I need an image rebuild, I’m tired of being the rich Monkey-boy Basketball Team Owning ex-CEO ….. can you help me me?”
She placed her hand on my shoulder, we made eye contact, the she slapped the piss out of me! I saw stars. ( I liked it) – She yelled,
“Get over it Ballmer! None of my clients are allowed to have pity parties and yammer on and on about their feelings! You have to be tough! When they come to drag you out of your office, you claw, you gouge, you scream and fight back! You plot your revenge and establish a secret slush fund to finance it. You are hard as iron on the inside but are love-able and friendly on the outside! Do we understand each other?”
I nodded and said, “You are goooood!”
She then picked up a box that she brought with her, as she opened it she said,
” I have always found that the quickest route to an image make-over is a hat! The right hat makes a man, it turns heads, it makes people think! It throws them off their game and puts the ball in your court. This one belonged to the late Jimi Hendrix, (it cost a ton) but now it’s yours!”
I was speechless! I love this woman! (but I didn’t tell her, my jowl is still stinging)
stevefakeballmer 