The Original Fake Steve Ballmer – Exiled by Blogger!

Posts tagged “ballmer

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1 ZuneNation Poster

The movement is still alive baby!


Who Am I?

I have been told that speculation as to my identity is building! Some of those who have been asked, “Are you Fake Steve Ballmer?”










Dave Letterman and I

tonight

Letterman was a blast back in the day!
(I don’t know and don’t want to know what assinated means!)
Who could ever forget when I sat in Steve Martin’s lap and gave Letterman his very own Steve Ballmer Action Figure?


Bill at CFFSB Again! A Man of Intelligence and Stamina!


At this quarter’s CFFSB Luncheon we had our very first repeat speaker!
“A man of intelligence and stamina” as he terms himself, none other than ex-president William Jefferson Clinton!
During his speech, Bill addressed the rumors that he may be called to take on my job should the ZunePhone, ZunePad and stock price go down in flames in the next few months! Bill said:
“… I have full confidence in Stephanos and his team! Hey, everybody has a few bad years, believe me I know! Steve like myself is a man of intelligence and amazing stamina! As for rumors that I would take his job, well, just let me say that my hands are almost always full! Any such thing happening is highly unlikely.”
He then looks at me, raises his glass of Boones-Farm and toast:
“My friend, you are a gemntleman and a scholar! One whose depth of character is unquestioned in all areanas of life! Mozoltov my friend!”
The crowd stood in applause, Bill exited out the side door. He said he had to leave early because of “pressing matters,” I understood naturally.
If anybody were to ever take my place though, I think he would be the guy!


The Pope Blesses Windows!

I flew to Italy for something I’ve lobbied for for an entire year, an audience with the Pope! I had to pull all kinds of strings, both holy and not, but I had to see His Eminence!

Why?
Well you see, our stats show that a full quarter of all Microsoft products users are Catholic, and that since the launch of Windows7 this is also the group that was adopting it the slowest or moving on to another OS! I have no idea as to why, but most of the time I don’t care about why things happen, I only care about what happens.
On our way to the Holy Father’s office, a couple of big Jesuit bodyguard types frisked me and warned me sternly, “No commercial stuff! The Pope does no product endorsements! None at all!”

I said, “Oh I understand.”
As I and my camera crew entered His Loftiness office and was ushered into the Pontiff’s presence, the attendants said, “you have twenty seconds, make it good!”
I bowed before Benedict, (he was impressed). He said, “arise my son Ballmer, wherefore comest ye to ourselves?”
I answered in my most magnanimous tone, “I have come far Your Holiness bearing a gift for theeself, but put forth thy holy hands and I shall endow thee!”
He held his hands out and I quickly reached into my shirt where I had Windows7 CD’s hidden, (they neglected to search there) I plunked them into his hands. He looked confused, then surprised, then he got mad when he realised what he was holding. He dropped the CD’s, backed away and yelled, “Jesuits! The accursed thing! I have touched it!”
They all scurried off to wash his hands in holy water while my camera crew and I were unceremoniously ushered out of the suite.
As we got into the stretch Limo, I asked, “you guys got that?”
They answered, “Yes sir Missta Ballmer sir! Selected stills of His Holiness ‘Blessing’ Windows7Vista will be all over the Internet by this time tomorrow!”
I said, “Mission accomplished, that should get the Catholics back in line! Next the Mormons!”


Bill at CFFSB Again! A Man of Intelligence and Stamina!


At this quarter’s CFFSB Luncheon we had our very first repeat speaker!
“A man of intelligence and stamina” as he terms himself, none other than ex-president William Jefferson Clinton!
During his speech, Bill addressed the rumors that he may be called to take on my job should the ZunePhone, ZunePad and stock price go down in flames in the next few months! Bill said:
“… I have full confidence in Stephanos and his team! Hey, everybody has a few bad years, believe me I know! Steve like myself is a man of intelligence and amazing stamina! As for rumors that I would take his job, well, just let me say that my hands are almost always full! Any such thing happening is highly unlikely.”
He then looks at me, raises his glass of Boones-Farm and toast:
“My friend, you are a gemntleman and a scholar! One whose depth of character is unquestioned in all areanas of life! Mozoltov my friend!”
The crowd stood in applause, Bill exited out the side door. He said he had to leave early because of “pressing matters,” I understood naturally.
If anybody were to ever take my place though, I think he would be the guy!


Introducing the ZuneSphere!

After seeing such a positive reception for the Sphere Surface Computer, it occurred to me that this could be a great form factor for the next Zune too.
So I called up the Iraqi scientist on level -53 again and asked them to make a 3.5″ one running Zune software!
They surfaced this morning with this!

They were very excited about the results and being above ground again.
I thanked them and sent them back down.
(They think that Saddam is still alive and looking for them, who am I to burst their bubbles?)
As a reward for such great and quick work, I’m giving them the evening off and sending down three goats.