I have been told that speculation as to my identity is building! Some of those who have been asked, “Are you Fake Steve Ballmer?”
Steve Smith, more popularly known on the internet in the ZuneSecne forums as MSZuneFan is still seeking to have his legal name changed to Microsoft Zune!
He called Microsoft trying to clear up any legal ramifications.
If he had gotten to me personally, I would have told him:
“While I am all for freedom of expression, SON, I have to tell you in all honesty this is a bad idea! I’m all for having a Zune Tattoo, a Ballmer Tattoo (I have a Zunetatt myself, can’t say where).
Why am I of all people against this?
Well a few reasons come to mind:
The Zune is a really cool, hot selling, world rock’n, cutting edge The Zune is a really cool, hot selling, world rock’n, cutting edge device, NOT a person’s name!
AND take my word for this, you do not want any babes you run into thinking of you as Micro – Soft!”
(If you need more explanation of this, comment and I will email you personally and explain it.)
My wife nagged me about the way I walk about the mansion most of the night, “Go to see a psychologist, you are just too worried about all this Mac and Linux stuff”. My wife is the only person on earth that could get me to see a headshrinker! (She was driving me crazy anyway). I agreed, she set up an appointment for the next morning (she knew I wouldn’t).
That morning I found myself in the office of Dr. Eric Huntin, he was a 60 something tall gauntly guy with a scruffy beard and a pony-tail. I stepped in, shook his clammy hand, looked him in the eye and sternly said, “I don’t want to be here, you have my dossier, I think all of this crap is a bunch of mumbo jumbo! I’m a busy man, you have exactly 15 minutes”.
HUNTIN: “I appreciate your candor sir, I will get right to it! ” he gestured towards some funny looking couch, “Please lie down sir, Mr. Ballmer sir”.
BALLMER: “I’ll just stand right here near the door, it’s more efficient that way”, he went to his desk and opened my dossier, “14 minutes!”
HUNTIN: “I spoke with your wife at length this morning before you got here, according to her you are obsessed with destroying Apple, Google and something called Linux. Your incessant scheming against them keeps you up most of the night; as a result your love life is nonexistent, your relationships are strained, your employees are in a perpetual state of fear of you, your personal grooming is lacking and you have alienated all but Mr. Gates.”
BALLMER: “So I’m an executive! What’s the problem doc? Give it to me straight! – You have 10 minutes”
HUNTIN: “Sir, you really are a Mac lover escapading as a PC lover/Mac hater/head of the evil empire. You thrive on iTards replies as a way of validating your love of all things Macintosh. But it’s going to take further examination to determine why you are a closet Mac lover. Did you have a crush on Steve Jobs at one point in time? A crush that ended with a restraining order?? Hmm. Your hatred is known as “projection”…it’s really yourself that you don’t like. So now we need to examine this. Why don’t you like yourself? Looking at your actions, we can conclude that it’s because of the guilt generated by producing Windows. You know it’s wrong, so you lash out at those attempting to help you. Just give it up, use your ill-gotten gains to buy lots of Apple stock, and you will feel much better!”
I did not react at all, I just stood there and stared at him for the next 9 minutes as he went on and on.
HUNTIN: ………. and in conclusion sir you suffer from delusional seizures and dream deprivation brought about by psychotic insomnia fueled by several acute neurisises in conjunction with the most severe case of targeted bi-lateral paranoia I have ever seen!
The guy was exhausted! I took one step towards his desk, he leaned forward in anticipation of my reply, I said, “One minute!”
He slumped in his chair.
BALLMER: “What kind of computer do you have at home?”
HUNTIN: “Well, errr, it’s a mac, but, but, but that does not matter, …. I uh, you uh, ….”
BALLMER: “I thought so! You people are all against me! … Time up!”
He was right about one thing, I need to get a few hours sleep every now and then.
I then walked straight out, when I looked back I think he was crying? I think that guy needs some help, not me!
For most of the Conference here I let my Middle Eastern Subordinates here do all of the talking, they would tell me, “just sit here sir, smile, nod and make no sudden moves!” I did this for three days, most of the people passing in the reception lines were very friendly.
I was spat on only twice, but my handlers told me that this was a gesture of good-will, a welcome of sorts.
I wonder why the security guys beat and hauled both spitters away then? Could my subordinates have been fibbing to me? It’s their jobs if they were!
On the very last day, I was asked by a very insistent English speaking reporter to personally make a statement. My people didn’t want me to but, hey, I’m the CEO here and I was darned sick and tired of being told to sit, nod and make no sudden moves.
So I went up to the podium and told them the truth:
“You people are going to have to change the name of this conference! I mean, ‘Death to America’ is not exactly a very inviting term now is it?”
They all looked at me like they were surprised, I like that, so I continued:
“My people here have explained that for you all the term ‘America’ is generic and means ‘that which is bad’, but we from the west don’t take it that way!”
The reporters then asked, “Well what term should we use oh great one?” (I like these guys)
I thought about it for a second, “If you want to fight evil, poor programing, mediocrity and backward thinking, hmmmm … Let’s call it ‘Death to Apple and Linux Power User Conference’!”
They were a little slow to catch on, so I did like they do, I raised my arms and started to wildly chant it!
“Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! ….”
It caught on like wildfire, they were waving their fist in the air, some chanted until they fell out, “Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! …….”
What a great way to end a confefence!
I can’t wait to come back to DTAALPUC ’19!
Death to Apple and Linux!
I was tired of reading and hearing, “Ballmer Needs to Quit Now!” everywhere I looked. I told my secretary Irma, “I need to get out of here, reenergize my batteries, find some positivity for a change, what do you suggest?”
Without hesitation she answered, “Go down to Dallas Texas, the local 1ZuneNation branch is holding it’s Zunexpo this week! They would love for you to keynote or do one of your new product demos for them!”
I said, “yeah, I forgot about that branch … but aren’t they rather, well, excentric?”
She snickered “Just because they call themselves the ZuneSquad, like to dress-up like state troopers and parade arround in goose-step? I guess they are a little eccentric to us, but that’s how they do down in Texas sir. Zunist come in all kinds of flavors!”
I sat back, thought about it for a second, then said, “book it! Sounds interesting.”
…. Boy was I right!