I have been told that speculation as to my identity is building! Some of those who have been asked, “Are you Fake Steve Ballmer?”
Steve Smith, more popularly known on the internet in the ZuneSecne forums as MSZuneFan is still seeking to have his legal name changed to Microsoft Zune!
He called Microsoft trying to clear up any legal ramifications.
If he had gotten to me personally, I would have told him:
“While I am all for freedom of expression, SON, I have to tell you in all honesty this is a bad idea! I’m all for having a Zune Tattoo, a Ballmer Tattoo (I have a Zunetatt myself, can’t say where).
Why am I of all people against this?
Well a few reasons come to mind:
The Zune is a really cool, hot selling, world rock’n, cutting edge The Zune is a really cool, hot selling, world rock’n, cutting edge device, NOT a person’s name!
AND take my word for this, you do not want any babes you run into thinking of you as Micro – Soft!”
(If you need more explanation of this, comment and I will email you personally and explain it.)
For most of the Conference here I let my Middle Eastern Subordinates here do all of the talking, they would tell me, “just sit here sir, smile, nod and make no sudden moves!” I did this for three days, most of the people passing in the reception lines were very friendly.
I was spat on only twice, but my handlers told me that this was a gesture of good-will, a welcome of sorts.
I wonder why the security guys beat and hauled both spitters away then? Could my subordinates have been fibbing to me? It’s their jobs if they were!
On the very last day, I was asked by a very insistent English speaking reporter to personally make a statement. My people didn’t want me to but, hey, I’m the CEO here and I was darned sick and tired of being told to sit, nod and make no sudden moves.
So I went up to the podium and told them the truth:
“You people are going to have to change the name of this conference! I mean, ‘Death to America’ is not exactly a very inviting term now is it?”
They all looked at me like they were surprised, I like that, so I continued:
“My people here have explained that for you all the term ‘America’ is generic and means ‘that which is bad’, but we from the west don’t take it that way!”
The reporters then asked, “Well what term should we use oh great one?” (I like these guys)
I thought about it for a second, “If you want to fight evil, poor programing, mediocrity and backward thinking, hmmmm … Let’s call it ‘Death to Apple and Linux Power User Conference’!”
They were a little slow to catch on, so I did like they do, I raised my arms and started to wildly chant it!
“Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! ….”
It caught on like wildfire, they were waving their fist in the air, some chanted until they fell out, “Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! …….”
What a great way to end a confefence!
I can’t wait to come back to DTAALPUC ’19!
Death to Apple and Linux!
It was a special day at Vista Chapel Church of Windows, because I had some very special guest! Bishop Smirnoff and a delegation of his “wise-men” flew in from St. Petersburg.
I greeted them in the gift shop. I asked Bishop about his denomination, he answered:
“Oh great Ballmer, we were all at one time Russian Orthodox Reformed Freestyle Eastern United Brethren, but one day I was inspired from on high to Bing your name! But, of course I immediately found your blog and Flicker Repository of artistic riches! I read every post, studied every picture! I shared your sacred insightfulness with my wise-men! Our lives were changed! You can barely imagine our excitement when we first saw that you had established Vista Chapel COW!
We saved to make our pilgrimage here and to come and learn more of the ‘Way of the Zune’ from your most ample mouth great ZuneMaster! Speak, speak now Oh great Ballmer! Thy servants shall hear and obey!”
I told them what I tell everyone here:
“Shun non-Microsoft products! Beware viruses! x-Box daily! Upgrade to whatever is the latest Vista! Chastise the iPoders! Follow the way of the Zune!”
They were so receptive! We talked for hours!
They had to get back to their monastery, so I put them on Percy (my jet), gave them 100 pre-press editions of “The Monkey-boy Conspiracy” and coupons for half off Windows upgrades! THEY WERE SO HAPPY!
As Percy took off, I waved and shouted, “Shalom, return safely to Florida!”
I was tired of reading and hearing, “Ballmer Needs to Quit Now!” everywhere I looked. I told my secretary Irma, “I need to get out of here, reenergize my batteries, find some positivity for a change, what do you suggest?”
Without hesitation she answered, “Go down to Dallas Texas, the local 1ZuneNation branch is holding it’s Zunexpo this week! They would love for you to keynote or do one of your new product demos for them!”
I said, “yeah, I forgot about that branch … but aren’t they rather, well, excentric?”
She snickered “Just because they call themselves the ZuneSquad, like to dress-up like state troopers and parade arround in goose-step? I guess they are a little eccentric to us, but that’s how they do down in Texas sir. Zunist come in all kinds of flavors!”
I sat back, thought about it for a second, then said, “book it! Sounds interesting.”
…. Boy was I right!