The Original Fake Steve Ballmer – Exiled by Blogger!

Posts tagged “history vista scandal

Dave Letterman and I

tonight

Letterman was a blast back in the day!
(I don’t know and don’t want to know what assinated means!)
Who could ever forget when I sat in Steve Martin’s lap and gave Letterman his very own Steve Ballmer Action Figure?


Bill at CFFSB Again! A Man of Intelligence and Stamina!


At this quarter’s CFFSB Luncheon we had our very first repeat speaker!
“A man of intelligence and stamina” as he terms himself, none other than ex-president William Jefferson Clinton!
During his speech, Bill addressed the rumors that he may be called to take on my job should the ZunePhone, ZunePad and stock price go down in flames in the next few months! Bill said:
“… I have full confidence in Stephanos and his team! Hey, everybody has a few bad years, believe me I know! Steve like myself is a man of intelligence and amazing stamina! As for rumors that I would take his job, well, just let me say that my hands are almost always full! Any such thing happening is highly unlikely.”
He then looks at me, raises his glass of Boones-Farm and toast:
“My friend, you are a gemntleman and a scholar! One whose depth of character is unquestioned in all areanas of life! Mozoltov my friend!”
The crowd stood in applause, Bill exited out the side door. He said he had to leave early because of “pressing matters,” I understood naturally.
If anybody were to ever take my place though, I think he would be the guy!


The Pope Blesses Windows!

I flew to Italy for something I’ve lobbied for for an entire year, an audience with the Pope! I had to pull all kinds of strings, both holy and not, but I had to see His Eminence!

Why?
Well you see, our stats show that a full quarter of all Microsoft products users are Catholic, and that since the launch of Windows7 this is also the group that was adopting it the slowest or moving on to another OS! I have no idea as to why, but most of the time I don’t care about why things happen, I only care about what happens.
On our way to the Holy Father’s office, a couple of big Jesuit bodyguard types frisked me and warned me sternly, “No commercial stuff! The Pope does no product endorsements! None at all!”

I said, “Oh I understand.”
As I and my camera crew entered His Loftiness office and was ushered into the Pontiff’s presence, the attendants said, “you have twenty seconds, make it good!”
I bowed before Benedict, (he was impressed). He said, “arise my son Ballmer, wherefore comest ye to ourselves?”
I answered in my most magnanimous tone, “I have come far Your Holiness bearing a gift for theeself, but put forth thy holy hands and I shall endow thee!”
He held his hands out and I quickly reached into my shirt where I had Windows7 CD’s hidden, (they neglected to search there) I plunked them into his hands. He looked confused, then surprised, then he got mad when he realised what he was holding. He dropped the CD’s, backed away and yelled, “Jesuits! The accursed thing! I have touched it!”
They all scurried off to wash his hands in holy water while my camera crew and I were unceremoniously ushered out of the suite.
As we got into the stretch Limo, I asked, “you guys got that?”
They answered, “Yes sir Missta Ballmer sir! Selected stills of His Holiness ‘Blessing’ Windows7Vista will be all over the Internet by this time tomorrow!”
I said, “Mission accomplished, that should get the Catholics back in line! Next the Mormons!”


Bill at CFFSB Again! A Man of Intelligence and Stamina!


At this quarter’s CFFSB Luncheon we had our very first repeat speaker!
“A man of intelligence and stamina” as he terms himself, none other than ex-president William Jefferson Clinton!
During his speech, Bill addressed the rumors that he may be called to take on my job should the ZunePhone, ZunePad and stock price go down in flames in the next few months! Bill said:
“… I have full confidence in Stephanos and his team! Hey, everybody has a few bad years, believe me I know! Steve like myself is a man of intelligence and amazing stamina! As for rumors that I would take his job, well, just let me say that my hands are almost always full! Any such thing happening is highly unlikely.”
He then looks at me, raises his glass of Boones-Farm and toast:
“My friend, you are a gemntleman and a scholar! One whose depth of character is unquestioned in all areanas of life! Mozoltov my friend!”
The crowd stood in applause, Bill exited out the side door. He said he had to leave early because of “pressing matters,” I understood naturally.
If anybody were to ever take my place though, I think he would be the guy!


When I Left Tehran DTAPUC ’18 a Changed Man


For most of the Conference here I let my Middle Eastern Subordinates here do all of the talking, they would tell me, “just sit here sir, smile, nod and make no sudden moves!” I did this for three days, most of the people passing in the reception lines were very friendly.
I was spat on only twice, but my handlers told me that this was a gesture of good-will, a welcome of sorts.
I wonder why the security guys beat and hauled both spitters away then? Could my subordinates have been fibbing to me? It’s their jobs if they were!
On the very last day, I was asked by a very insistent English speaking reporter to personally make a statement. My people didn’t want me to but, hey, I’m the CEO here and I was darned sick and tired of being told to sit, nod and make no sudden moves.
So I went up to the podium and told them the truth:
“You people are going to have to change the name of this conference! I mean, ‘Death to America’ is not exactly a very inviting term now is it?”
They all looked at me like they were surprised, I like that, so I continued:
“My people here have explained that for you all the term ‘America’ is generic and means ‘that which is bad’, but we from the west don’t take it that way!”
The reporters then asked, “Well what term should we use oh great one?” (I like these guys)
I thought about it for a second, “If you want to fight evil, poor programing, mediocrity and backward thinking, hmmmm … Let’s call it ‘Death to Apple and Linux Power User Conference’!”
They were a little slow to catch on, so I did like they do, I raised my arms and started to wildly chant it!
“Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! ….”
It caught on like wildfire, they were waving their fist in the air, some chanted until they fell out, “Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! …….”
What a great way to end a confefence!
I can’t wait to come back to DTAALPUC ’19!
Death to Apple and Linux!


How could 90% of the population be wrong?

I was in my Architect’s office the other day when I overheard a conversation between an engineer and the office copy-boy:

CB – “Chuck, did you see the video of the new software from Apple, it really rocks!”

Chuck – “Nah, I’m not interested in any of that crap”

CB – “but, but, but it made this stuff we use here look primitive …”

Chuck – “Look CB, you have to face reality, it’s a Microsoft world out there! How can sooo many people be wrong? The majority uses Windows because it is the best, anything else can only cause problems”

CB – “So you believe that the majority is always right?”

Chuck – “Ofcourse they are, it’s obvious”

Don’t be a weirdo like the copy-boy! All of your friends use Windows, you should too. Haven’t you noticed that the Mac-guys are always the drooling goofballs with high-water pants, plaid shirts and zits.

For you and your children’s sake don’t let this continue.


The Day That The Music All Died!

ZDnet and ArsTechnica almost got this right, they wrote:
MSN Entertainment and Video Services general manager Rob Bennett sent out an e-mail this afternoon to customers, advising them to make any and all authorizations or deauthorizations before August 31. “As of August 31, 2008, we will no longer be able to support the retrieval of license keys for the songs you purchased from MSN Music or the authorization of additional computers,” reads the e-mail seen by Ars.
“You will need to obtain a license key for each of your songs downloaded from MSN Music on any new computer, and you must do so before August 31, 2008.
If you attempt to transfer your songs to additional computers after August 31, 2008, those songs will not successfully play.”
While it is true that we are planning to let MSN Music Customers “go it alone”, it is not true as they imply that we don’t care! I am personally sending a letter (on paper) to each and every one of them expressing my concern. This dispite the fact that the service never really took off and there aren’t that many of them anyways, I still care. The letter will include ten “credits” for songs at the Zune Media Store.

I am not evil.