The Original Fake Steve Ballmer – Exiled by Blogger!

Posts tagged “scandal

Bill at CFFSB Again! A Man of Intelligence and Stamina!


At this quarter’s CFFSB Luncheon we had our very first repeat speaker!
“A man of intelligence and stamina” as he terms himself, none other than ex-president William Jefferson Clinton!
During his speech, Bill addressed the rumors that he may be called to take on my job should the ZunePhone, ZunePad and stock price go down in flames in the next few months! Bill said:
“… I have full confidence in Stephanos and his team! Hey, everybody has a few bad years, believe me I know! Steve like myself is a man of intelligence and amazing stamina! As for rumors that I would take his job, well, just let me say that my hands are almost always full! Any such thing happening is highly unlikely.”
He then looks at me, raises his glass of Boones-Farm and toast:
“My friend, you are a gemntleman and a scholar! One whose depth of character is unquestioned in all areanas of life! Mozoltov my friend!”
The crowd stood in applause, Bill exited out the side door. He said he had to leave early because of “pressing matters,” I understood naturally.
If anybody were to ever take my place though, I think he would be the guy!


The Pope Blesses Windows!

I flew to Italy for something I’ve lobbied for for an entire year, an audience with the Pope! I had to pull all kinds of strings, both holy and not, but I had to see His Eminence!

Why?
Well you see, our stats show that a full quarter of all Microsoft products users are Catholic, and that since the launch of Windows7 this is also the group that was adopting it the slowest or moving on to another OS! I have no idea as to why, but most of the time I don’t care about why things happen, I only care about what happens.
On our way to the Holy Father’s office, a couple of big Jesuit bodyguard types frisked me and warned me sternly, “No commercial stuff! The Pope does no product endorsements! None at all!”

I said, “Oh I understand.”
As I and my camera crew entered His Loftiness office and was ushered into the Pontiff’s presence, the attendants said, “you have twenty seconds, make it good!”
I bowed before Benedict, (he was impressed). He said, “arise my son Ballmer, wherefore comest ye to ourselves?”
I answered in my most magnanimous tone, “I have come far Your Holiness bearing a gift for theeself, but put forth thy holy hands and I shall endow thee!”
He held his hands out and I quickly reached into my shirt where I had Windows7 CD’s hidden, (they neglected to search there) I plunked them into his hands. He looked confused, then surprised, then he got mad when he realised what he was holding. He dropped the CD’s, backed away and yelled, “Jesuits! The accursed thing! I have touched it!”
They all scurried off to wash his hands in holy water while my camera crew and I were unceremoniously ushered out of the suite.
As we got into the stretch Limo, I asked, “you guys got that?”
They answered, “Yes sir Missta Ballmer sir! Selected stills of His Holiness ‘Blessing’ Windows7Vista will be all over the Internet by this time tomorrow!”
I said, “Mission accomplished, that should get the Catholics back in line! Next the Mormons!”


Bill at CFFSB Again! A Man of Intelligence and Stamina!


At this quarter’s CFFSB Luncheon we had our very first repeat speaker!
“A man of intelligence and stamina” as he terms himself, none other than ex-president William Jefferson Clinton!
During his speech, Bill addressed the rumors that he may be called to take on my job should the ZunePhone, ZunePad and stock price go down in flames in the next few months! Bill said:
“… I have full confidence in Stephanos and his team! Hey, everybody has a few bad years, believe me I know! Steve like myself is a man of intelligence and amazing stamina! As for rumors that I would take his job, well, just let me say that my hands are almost always full! Any such thing happening is highly unlikely.”
He then looks at me, raises his glass of Boones-Farm and toast:
“My friend, you are a gemntleman and a scholar! One whose depth of character is unquestioned in all areanas of life! Mozoltov my friend!”
The crowd stood in applause, Bill exited out the side door. He said he had to leave early because of “pressing matters,” I understood naturally.
If anybody were to ever take my place though, I think he would be the guy!


My worst nightmare averted! Jobs says No to OSX running on non-Apple PCs! WHEW!

I admit it, for a while there I was scared that Jobs was going to announce that their next candy-coated OSX (Lion) would run on any PC hardware!

My fears were abated when I heard him say this:

“Our goal is to make the best personal computers in the world and make products we are proud to sell and recommend to our family and friends. …. But there’s some stuff in our industry that we wouldn’t be proud to ship. And we just can’t do it. We can’t ship junk,…. There are thresholds we can’t cross because of who we are. And we think that there’s a very significant slice of the [market] that wants that too. … We don’t offer stripped-down, lousy products.”

THANK GOODNESS he still has a bad attitude like that and it sounds like he will never change! I hope he stays CEO of Apple forever.


THANK GOD!

From the Wahington Post
Apple co-founder Steve Jobs released a letter late Wednesday in which he resigined as Chief Executive Officer and named Timothy Cook as his successor. As the Washington Post’s Michael Rosenwald reported:

Apple chief executive Steve Jobs, who almost single-handedly changed the way people around the world consume music, the Internet and even TV, announced late Wednesday that he has resigned as leader of the company he co-founded in his parents’ garage.
Jobs, who has suffered from pancreatic cancer and had a liver transplant in 2009, has looked increasingly frail in his cultlike appearances in front of Apple fans to introduce new products, but he did not explicitly indicate in a letter to the company’s board and its customers whether his health was failing.

“I have always said if there ever came a day when I could no longer meet my duties and expectations as Apple’s CEO, I would be the first to let you know,” wrote Jobs, who has been on a health leave of absence since January. “Unfortunately, that day has come.”

Although not entirely unexpected given the grave nature of his previous illnesses — he had surgery for a rare form of pancreatic cancer in 2004 — Jobs’s resignation ends one of the most extraordinary runs in business history. This month, Apple briefly became the most valuable company in the world, surpassing oil giant Exxon Mobil.

Jobs has been replaced by Tim Cook, his longtime No. 2 and the company’s chief operating officer. Cook has run Apple’s day-to-day operations during Jobs’s health-related absences. Jobs will be chairman of the board.


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The PodStalker – The Smackdown!


Why I Hate Psychologist!

memyselfiMy wife nagged me about the way I walk about the mansion most of the night, “Go to see a psychologist, you are just too worried about all this Mac and Linux stuff”. My wife is the only person on earth that could get me to see a headshrinker! (She was driving me crazy anyway). I agreed, she set up an appointment for the next morning (she knew I wouldn’t).
That morning I found myself in the office of Dr. Eric Huntin, he was a 60 something tall gauntly guy with a scruffy beard and a pony-tail. I stepped in, shook his clammy hand, looked him in the eye and sternly said, “I don’t want to be here, you have my dossier, I think all of this crap is a bunch of mumbo jumbo! I’m a busy man, you have exactly 15 minutes”.

HUNTIN: “I appreciate your candor sir, I will get right to it! ” he gestured towards some funny looking couch, “Please lie down sir, Mr. Ballmer sir”.

BALLMER: “I’ll just stand right here near the door, it’s more efficient that way”, he went to his desk and opened my dossier, “14 minutes!”

HUNTIN: “I spoke with your wife at length this morning before you got here, according to her you are obsessed with destroying Apple, Google and something called Linux. Your incessant scheming against them keeps you up most of the night; as a result your love life is nonexistent, your relationships are strained, your employees are in a perpetual state of fear of you, your personal grooming is lacking and you have alienated all but Mr. Gates.”

BALLMER: “So I’m an executive! What’s the problem doc? Give it to me straight! – You have 10 minutes”

HUNTIN: “Sir, you really are a Mac lover escapading as a PC lover/Mac hater/head of the evil empire. You thrive on iTards replies as a way of validating your love of all things Macintosh. But it’s going to take further examination to determine why you are a closet Mac lover. Did you have a crush on Steve Jobs at one point in time? A crush that ended with a restraining order?? Hmm. Your hatred is known as “projection”…it’s really yourself that you don’t like. So now we need to examine this. Why don’t you like yourself? Looking at your actions, we can conclude that it’s because of the guilt generated by producing Windows. You know it’s wrong, so you lash out at those attempting to help you. Just give it up, use your ill-gotten gains to buy lots of Apple stock, and you will feel much better!”

I did not react at all, I just stood there and stared at him for the next 9 minutes as he went on and on.

HUNTIN: ………. and in conclusion sir you suffer from delusional seizures and dream deprivation brought about by psychotic insomnia fueled by several acute neurisises in conjunction with the most severe case of targeted bi-lateral paranoia I have ever seen!

The guy was exhausted! I took one step towards his desk, he leaned forward in anticipation of my reply, I said, “One minute!”
He slumped in his chair.

BALLMER: “What kind of computer do you have at home?”

HUNTIN: “Well, errr, it’s a mac, but, but, but that does not matter, …. I uh, you uh, ….”

BALLMER: “I thought so! You people are all against me! … Time up!”

He was right about one thing, I need to get a few hours sleep every now and then.
I then walked straight out, when I looked back I think he was crying? I think that guy needs some help, not me!