The Original Fake Steve Ballmer – Exiled by Blogger!


ZuneCam – Sooner Than Later!

I was thinking last week when it occurred to me that we were trying to get into everything except cameras! I picked up the phone and called TOG (That Other Guy) since Ray-Oz is always on vacation somewhere, I said, “Hey, TOG, why don’t we make a camera? Everybody would buy one!
We could come out with some proprietary graphics format to try to kill off that jpeg stuff!”
TOG: “Yes sir Mr. Ballmer!”
“Let’s call the format jpeg XR”
TOG: “Yes sir Mr. Ballmer!”
“Give the camera some kinda’ super lens and fuse it to a Zune!”
TOG: “I’m getting excited Mr. Ballmer!”
“I’m just a little ticked, do I have to think up everything around here?”
TOG: “Yes sir Mr. Ballmer!”
“Get the NtN’s (Nasal toned Nerds) on it right now, form a few committees to spec and design it, float some rumors on the Internet and spend a few million on some desperate digital camera parts company!”
TOG: “Not a problem Mr. Ballmer, I’ll start it off with some of the funds from the **DDSF account!”
“Oh, yeah, I won’t remember any of this by tomorrow so zap me an email for the records. bye.”
Just after I hung up I thought about why we made TOG such a high level executive. He’s a good sounding board, he challenges you, makes
you think! I could really use a few hundred more like him.

**Discretionary Disinformation Slush Fund


It’s a Man’s World Baby

A Few Jokes:

A man goes to a shrink and says, ‘Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?’
‘Relax,’ says the Doctor, ‘take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?’

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. ‘Give me one last request, dear,’he said.
‘Of course, John,’ his wife said softly.
‘Six months after I die,’ he said, ‘I want you to marry George.’
‘But I thought you hated George,’ she said.
With his last breath John said, ‘I do!’

A man goes to see the Rabbi. ‘Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.’
The Rabbi asked, ‘What’s wrong?’
The man replied, ‘My wife is poisoning me.’
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, ‘How can that be?’
The man then pleads, ‘I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?’
The Rabbi then offers, ‘Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.’
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?’
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, ‘Take the poison’

A Little Redbone Baby

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When I Left Tehran DTAPUC ’18 a Changed Man

For most of the Conference here I let my Middle Eastern Subordinates here do all of the talking, they would tell me, “just sit here sir, smile, nod and make no sudden moves!” I did this for three days, most of the people passing in the reception lines were very friendly.
I was spat on only twice, but my handlers told me that this was a gesture of good-will, a welcome of sorts.
I wonder why the security guys beat and hauled both spitters away then? Could my subordinates have been fibbing to me? It’s their jobs if they were!
On the very last day, I was asked by a very insistent English speaking reporter to personally make a statement. My people didn’t want me to but, hey, I’m the CEO here and I was darned sick and tired of being told to sit, nod and make no sudden moves.
So I went up to the podium and told them the truth:
“You people are going to have to change the name of this conference! I mean, ‘Death to America’ is not exactly a very inviting term now is it?”
They all looked at me like they were surprised, I like that, so I continued:
“My people here have explained that for you all the term ‘America’ is generic and means ‘that which is bad’, but we from the west don’t take it that way!”
The reporters then asked, “Well what term should we use oh great one?” (I like these guys)
I thought about it for a second, “If you want to fight evil, poor programing, mediocrity and backward thinking, hmmmm … Let’s call it ‘Death to Apple and Linux Power User Conference’!”
They were a little slow to catch on, so I did like they do, I raised my arms and started to wildly chant it!
“Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! ….”
It caught on like wildfire, they were waving their fist in the air, some chanted until they fell out, “Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! Death to Apple and Linux! …….”
What a great way to end a confefence!
I can’t wait to come back to DTAALPUC ’19!
Death to Apple and Linux!




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