The Original Fake Steve Ballmer – Exiled by Blogger!

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Me With BiBi Netanyahoo – Good Times Baby!

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CEO Stephanos Ballmerfeld meets with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu while in New York City,  photo by Deb Ransom

Benjamin has got to be one of the coolest guys in the world, he also has the crappiest job in the world! I asked him about it,

“Terrorist, wars, assassins, bombers, politicians …. man what a job, but you still manage to smile whenever I see you. How do you do it BiBi?”

He smiled, looked at me then said, “you inspired me my friend!”

Shocked, I stammered, “what? How did I do that?”

He holds up my book, (The Monkey-boy Conspiracy) kisses it and says, “This, this, this book right here.”

We were both chocked up by then …. I’m doing it again.

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RIP Whitney


She was my personal favorite singer ever and probably always will be.

I, I, I will always love you Whitney.

Remembering When I burst Out in Song!

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Years ago when we introduced the Windows 7 Gold Edition, I was so inspired that I spontaneously burst out into a rousing acapella rendition of “Radar Love.” To this day people who were there still mention it to me. They say “it moved me,” to the back of the auditorium that is.

“The road has got me hypnotized
And I’m speedin’ into a new sunrise
When I get lonely and I’m sure I’ve had enough
She sends her comfort comin’ in from above
We don’t need no letter at all
We’ve got a thing that’s called radar love
We’ve got a light in the sky, radar loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Good times people, good times.

The Lightsaber Breakthrough That Never Happened!

maxresdefaultEver since I was I was a young man and saw Starwars for the very first time, I have been fascinated with the Lightsaber. I have racked my brain (and many others) for years, “how can you make one of these things?”

When I was at the height of my power at Microsoft, I once headed a secret project LS dedicated to the creation of a real lightsaber! We hired electricians, engineers, mechanics, particle physics scientist, necromancers, ….. I even personally had Stephen Hawkings placed on retainer for two months to review and summarize the results. After a year of research¬† and $2,000,000 in salaries and expenses, their final report to me concluded:

“Due to limitations of universal constants relative to energy constants in relation to quantified light properties we conclude that the energy depletive range of the distance required to reproduce the effect used in the movies is non-reproducible.”

I asked them, “what the h%$# does that mean?”

Steven Hawkings spoke up and said, “It – was – just – a – movie – sir.”

I disbanded the group and killed the project! I cannot stand such negativity!

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Sienfeld Never more!

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Remember, When You Spend Money, I Make Money!

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Trying to get those snotty Canadians more into basketball. Not easy!

A Donnie McClurkin Break – Love this Guy!

Yeah, I’m a Jew, I’m just a pitiful one, a pitiful one who loves going to the Holyland Experience in Orlando. It’s the next best thing to actually going to Jerusalem itself. The music there always blows me away Praise the Lord! oops

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Animated gif for you!

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Introducing BALM! Surprised? I was too.

I was just fool’n around in the studio behind the south hangar when Bill, Oz and a few others came by unexpectedly for another impromptu Linux Destruction think-tank.
Bill said,
“I didn’t know you played the axe Steve, I bang some mean keys myself, I think Oz kicks and TOG is a bass player”.
We all looked at each other, I said let’s jam gentlemen!
What happened next was just pure magic! I can’t explain it, we just jelled, meshed, we rocked, we JAMMED!
Next thing I knew it was 4:00 in the morning.
We rehearsed a few more Sundays and decided to give a free concert for MS employees in the MS Campus atrium, we tore the roof off da’ house!
Some of the rythmless NtN’s recorded a few of my compositions with StudioBand.

John Edwards Comes – a – Calling!

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When they told me Pretty Johnny was in my lobby I canceled a previous appointment so I could talk to him.
When he came in he was all smiles, I just sat and emotionlessly stared at him. When he extended his hand to shake mine, I left him hang’n. He dropped his head in shame and said,
“You too!”
I leaned back in my chair and took a sip of my honey-water, Pretty Johnny started begging:
“Mr. Ballmer, I thought that maybe you would give me a job sir! I know that right now I am like the plague! I’m the guy who was cheating on his terminally ill wife and denying his own love-child! I made fools out of millions of people who believed in me and I am now universally reviled as a low-life scum-sucking maggot with no morals, a loathsome hypocrite with no redeeming virtues, a doublecrossing shallow husk of a man not fit to share the air with regular people!”
I raised an eyebrow and sucked my teeth, he was shaken. he dropped to his knees and continued to beg:
“Sir, I’m at the end of my rope! People won’t vote for me as a politician or hire me as a lawyer! They see me coming and cross the road or cover their children’s eyes! Have mercy sir! I’ll do anything!
I’ll work for less than $250 an hour! Have mercy sir!”
I was softening, I asked, “Who sent you to me?”
He said, “Hillary, sir!”
I screamed, “GUARDS!”
They responded in 1.5 seconds (a little slow)
I commanded, “get this person off of our property! ..and don’t be gentle about it!”
I could hear his screams, crying and begging through my plate glass wall all the way from the parking lot!
To think! He almost had me for a minute there!